Monkey See, Monkey Do

Caps for Sale: a Tale of a Peddler, Some Monkeys and Their Monkey Business by Esphyr Slobodkina  is a classic that was first published in 1938, when apparently fifty cents was a reasonable price for a hat.  Charlie and I enjoyed listening to Miss Patty read this at our local library a couple weeks ago, and the other day he caught a glimpse of the book on the shelf and was eager to hear the story again.

In case you're unfamiliar, the plot is quite simple:  a peddler carries a stack of various colored caps upon his head.  He naps under a tree and then wakes to find monkeys wearing the caps they have stolen from him.  Every attempt to get the monkeys to give him back his caps results in the monkeys merely imitating the peddler's angry gestures, and when he throws his own cap to the ground in exasperation, he inadvertently succeeds in retrieving his merchandise.

It's no wonder that young children continue to enjoy this story. The appeal lies not only in the illustrations and simple, humorous plot; they get the joke more than one might think.  Certainly preschoolers identify on some level with the silly mimicry of the monkeys.  And it isn't much of a stretch to see how the peddler's reaction to the monkey's mischief (and his inability to win their compliance) mirrors the way in which we as parents often react to our children's misbehavior, and the limitations of coercive "discipline" techniques.  The joke is really on us.

Modeling is understood to be one of the most effective educational strategies, and it makes sense because children naturally tend to imitate what they see around them.  The findings of a couple recent studies support this idea.  It was publicized some years ago that regular reading to children is not not in itself enough to ensure their success as fluent readers; a "literacy rich home environment" was a more predictive factor.  (Sorry I was unable to find the source.)  Similarly, forcing children to eat so many forkfuls of veggies per meal is less likely to produce healthy eaters than simply setting a good example by eating well oneself.  A 2004 study found "that a positive parental role model may be a more effective means to facilitate change than parental attempts to impose control over their child’s food intake."  Interestingly, active coercion & manipulation resulted in less compliance and greater likelihood of negative issues with food and body image.  "Do as I say, not as I do" is an approach bound to fail, and the energy expended on the attempt to control children's behavior might not only be a waste but instead produce unintended consequences.

I'd never suggest that parents can be responsible for their children's behavior, through a failure of role-modeling or otherwise.  Every day my son finds some way to remind me of the limitations of my control over him.  From my perspective, that is as it should be--he is his own person, after all.  But I've often found that it helps a great deal to take a hard look at myself before judging him too harshly.  How often his words and behavior mirror my own.  Just this afternoon, I explained to him that it was time to get ready to go.  "When I'm finished with this," he insisted.  We needed to accomplish a task before being a certain place at a certain time, a concept not fully grasped by a three-year-old, so I might have pulled rank as the parent in charge and responded with, "No, we need to leave now," followed by action to direct him out the door.  But his words echoed those I uttered myself earlier, when he wanted me to stop reading an article and read a story to him.  If I want him to exhibit consideration and patience when my wishes and needs are of interest, then I need to demonstrate the same respect to him.  If I want a child capable of compromise, I need to show him how it works.  Neither of us will get what we want all the time, but that's how life is.

The peddler, by being slow on the uptake, was lucky to get his hats back at all.  Though compliance can't be guaranteed, as parents we can be more likely to foster cooperative relationships with our children through conscious self-awareness.

Top 10 Parenting Books

I'm a sucker for countdowns of this sort, and you tend to find all sorts of them with the end/beginning of the year. Plus, I've been a major slacker with this blog, so it is about time I posted. So, if you are shopping for yourself or another parent-to-be, here's my take on the best of the overwhelming glut of parenting books on the market. (Not that I've read them all, and my biases are clearly evident.)

#10--The Baby Book by William and Martha Sears
I almost took this one off the list. For one, this article makes some excellent points. Also, the idea of seeking advice from the dominant male doctor parenting "guru" (formerly Spock, now Sears) was deservedly scoffed by Jean Liedloff in The Continuum Concept. But this encyclopedic tome was co-authored with his wife Martha, and no one can deny that their parenting experience is impressive. With loads of information about infant development, this one's a reliable reference which I found myself turning to again and again when I found myself questioning, "Is this normal?"

#9--The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley
Gotta have a sleep book, right? And this one has loads of gentle techniques for the Attachment-minded parent to get more sleep without resorting to the unsavory cry-it-out method. (Told you my biases would be clear.) I'm a firm believer that sleep is more a product of a child's unique temperament and physiology than anything else, and I have to admit that nothing I tried produced the holy grail of sleeping through the night. Frankly, I moved to a place of acceptance regarding my restless co-sleeper a long time ago, but if you're looking to feel in control and "do something" about your child's sleep, there's plenty in here to try, and a lot of solid information about sleep in general.

#8--Learning All the Time (or anything else) by John Holt
My plan is for unschoolers to take over the world. Seriously though, John Holt is a wonderful advocate for children's rights to respectful treatment and honoring their independent thinking. Whether or not we choose to homeschool, as parents we are our children's first and most influential teachers, and Holt's child-led approach is the best foundation for a vibrant and inspired life of learning.

#7--Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
This one's more for theory than practice, inspiration rather than action. Kohn makes a strong case against behaviorist models of parenting (think carrot/stick or gold stars/time outs), arguing that punishments and rewards lead children to focus on how their behavior affects themselves, versus others. He offers a framework for an alternative way to work with our children, rather than doing things to them. This one's already moved to "classic" status, influencing some of the more recent books out there.

#6--Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn
Parenting and family relationships in general have been for me the most powerful center for spiritual growth. Even if you aren't a Buddhist, you'll find here the motivation to slow down and take the time to be present and deeply engaged with your child, which is nourishing and rewarding in itself.

#5--The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by LLLI
This is the one book I wish I had read before my son was born. It's the standard introduction to breastfeeding and reference for solving basic, common nursing issues. As many families come to understand, breastfeeding is more than a feeding choice; it is easily a style of parenting in itself, encompassing sleep, discipline, nutrition, lifestyle and more, which you'll find expanded upon in this book.

#4--The Natural Child by Jan Hunt
The heart of Jan Hunt's parenting philosophy might well be her "Golden Rule" of parenting: "Treat your child as you would like to be treated if you were in the same position." I find her insightful essays to be a source of inspiration and reaffirmation of my parenting values. You can read a bunch of them and many others also here at The Natural Child Project.

#3--Naturally Healthy Babies and Children by Aviva Jill Romm
An essential tool to educate yourself and support your child's health and wellness, it is my go-to book for herbal recipes to battle congestion, alleviate the crankies, etc. Aviva Romm's books are a huge help in learning to trust the body's wisdom and healing process.

#2--How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk By Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
A classic for good reason, this book was an enormous help to me when I was teaching young people of various ages. Drawing upon principles of nonviolent communication and active listening techniques, the book is full of specific strategies for engaging cooperation, resolving conflicts and fostering healthy and loving family relationships based on mutual respect. The cartoon examples throughout make it easy to glean and revisit the ideas when you are short on time and attention span (as many parents so often are!).

#1--Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort
I have to admit that this is the most recent book of this sort that I've read, but it quickly became my favorite. Aldort's psychology shows a strong Buddhist influence, not in the religious sense, but in terms of stepping back from judging our children's behaviors as "good" or "bad" (there's an acknowledged anti-behaviorism solidarity with Kohn here) and granting our children space to experience life in their own terms and process their emotions with support from us if needed but certainly without our active "management." So many parenting books offer philosophies that seem so simple, yet we find ourselves falling short of our parenting ideals again and again. Aldort's S.A.L.V.E. formula is a useful tool in understanding and changing our patterns of reacting to behaviors we find bothersome. The first step she advises is for us to stop and be mindful of the initial script that starts running--a script which is heavily influenced by our culture, our own childhood experiences and (mostly irrational) fears. Once we let go of that and give ourselves a little reality check, we can connect with our child in the present moment and respond with mindfulness and intention, often employing that good stuff from book #2 above. At first glance, one might think she advocates a lax, child-centered approach veering on permissiveness, but in fact she's clear on the point that we aren't here to tailor circumstances and our responses so that our children feel or act "good" all the time. Rather, by learning to accept and "be with" our children's anger and sadness, they are more likely to move through their feelings and let them go instead of escalating into more socially unacceptable behaviors. When children are respected as individuals instead of coerced or manipulated so that their behavior meets our (and society's) expectations, they are more likely to respect others in turn. Makes perfect sense to me.

Review--Sensational Meditation for Children

SENSATIONAL MEDITATION FOR CHILDREN by Sarah Wood Vallely

Last week Charlie and I had the pleasure of attending a party at our friend Sarah's home to celebrate the release of her book. It was a well-attended, family friendly event, with a fun castle-shaped bounce house, and fantastic food. I met Sarah when she gave a presentation on meditation at Stroller Club last summer, and a few months later I saw her work with a group of young children at a children's health event hosted by my chiropractor friend. Remembering how engaged the children were, I was eager to read her book to learn more.

Sarah's writing reflects her years of experience, solid background knowledge and her love for working with children. There's plenty of information here to develop a good understanding of the various purposes and benefits of meditation for anyone, and children in particular. With your appetite whetted, she then presents detailed, easy to follow, step-by-step instructions for a variety of child-friendly meditation exercises. These sound like a lot of fun, with titles like 'Fudge Swirl," "Inside Friends," and "The Happy Tree." I especially liked the way the meditations are grouped thematically in chapters titled Clearing My Mind, Healing My Body, Renewing Spirit, and Finding Out Who I Am. Woven throughout are specific suggestions and exercises to connect with your child and ways to make the most of the meditation experience through art and writing, among other ideas. The final chapter offers guidelines and inspiration for creating your own meditations.

This book is a great tool for parents, educators and anyone working to connect with children, to help them open their minds and souls to possibility and higher self-awareness, and not least of all, their imaginations! Please go to Sara's website to purchase her book and to learn more: http://www.sarahwood.com/

Review--The Breastfeeding Cafe

THE BREASTFEEDING CAFE by Barbara L. Behrmann
May be enjoyed by nursing moms, moms-to-be and anyone interested in cultural issues surrounding breastfeeding and motherhood.

This is one title I picked up with birthday money (thanks Gram!), and it was hard to choose, with dozens of books on my "save for later" space in my Amazon.com checkout cart. What an enjoyable read! With a structure intended to reflect a conversation among mothers, Behrmann skillfully weaves together a myriad of voices from a wide range of cultural, economic and educational backgrounds, from women who have nursed children through age five and beyond and others who were unable to breastfeed due to medical issues or lack of information and support. She describes her intention with this format: "Telling our stories is an act of power, of taking control of our own life, of helping other women in theirs. It is, above all, a starting point. My hope is that the stories in The Breastfeeding Cafe will give women the courage and permission to dispel myths, reveal secrets, and be honest." (292) There is both vibrant emotional connection and thought-provoking academic perspective. Pretty much every conceivable aspect of the topic is touched upon. The last chapter, "Where Do We Go From Here?" will rouse your inner lactivist: she clearly outlines specific societal changes needed to improve breastfeeding success in America--things like mother/baby friendly care for birth and the postpartum, better education for health care providers (whose ignorance is frequently responsible for sabotaging nursing relationships), truly family-friendly labor policies, including an actual paid maternity leave, and other actions the need for which is well documented within her collection of narratives. Inspiring.