Love Decree

In a recent phone call with a friend I confessed that I'm starting to feel a bit lonely and considering expanding my social horizons a bit, hoping for connection.  He recommended making a list of the qualities I want in a potential partner--to put it out to the universe and see what happens.  After my treasure map disaster, I'm not keen on the notion of setting intentions with expectations of manifesting and what not, but clarifying and prioritizing needs and values with regard to relationships is really a great idea.  At the very least, should I find myself interested or involved with someone, I can turn to this checklist to help me assess where I might be compromising too much.  I tend to see the best in people and be idealistic in relationships and overlooking less desirable realities is a way to get seriously bit in the ass.

Still, I'm not a hopeful romantic; I don't really believe in the soul-mate idea or that fate will align to bring me together with my special someone.  Painful experiences have forged within me a pragmatism with regard to relationships, and when I assess my list I question the likelihood of finding even the "good" level qualities all in one person.  I could meet someone who is nurturing & supportive but with tastes & interests which I just can't respect--snobbery on my part I suppose.  Honestly, the idea of such a highly compatible match strikes me as miraculous, but I'll allow that life can sometimes surprise a person.

The thing is, I've always been okay with being single.  Loneliness is just a feeling which can be mindfully experienced and processed like any other.  As long as I have friends and family, people to care for and connect with, I don't feel alone.  So while I'm open to the possible arrival of an amazing person to fill the shoes I've outlined here, I'll be busy continuing to cultivate these very qualities within myself--and knowing life will be continue to be wonderful and rich in many ways.

                                                Shared Values

At Least:  someone who cares about the environment and social justice; spiritually attuned (see below)

Good: someone outside mainstream consumer culture and “walks the walk” with regard to values; personal responsibility for health & wellness (natural); someone who is genuinely compassionate—in soul & in action

Purely Ideal: we’re on the same page with pretty much everything; support one another in living in-line with beliefs

                                                Spirituality

At Least:  shared value in personal growth (not the same as masturbatory self improvement) and regard for the “big picture” however defined; also an openmindedness—neither self-righteous atheism nor fundamentalist Christianity (or other religion)

Good: an appreciation of mystery and a relative degree of humility, a committed practice or focus of some kind

Purely Ideal: fully in synch with my values & perspective—someone to keep me on my toes a bit and evolve with me in this regard

                                                Connection & Communication
At Least:, an intelligent life-long learner who can keep a stimulating conversation going, someone able to be honest & open w/communication; mutual respect; compatible humor

Good: great conversations fairly often, mutual learning shared to enrich each other; ability to air out disagreements and solve problems together, consistent consideration for one another; someone who makes me laugh

Purely Ideal:  an adept & aware critical thinker who challenges me to broaden my perspectives & not remain complacent in any ideology (without condescension!); continually working to appreciate one another’s perspectives

                                                Mutual Attraction

At Least:  a genuine spark between us—good looks in the mainstream sense are not important as the person’s inner “light”/magnetism, someone of interest who finds me worth “courting”

Good: honestly drawn to one another without self-dividing reservations, a delight in the beautiful qualities perceived in one another, someone who is playful and brings out qualities I like in myself

Purely Ideal: someone who can grow a beard (i.e. in some way fits "dreamy" animus archetype that captivates me), whom I can’t seem to keep my hands off of on a regular basis…

                                                Sexual Compatibility

At Least:  mutually satisfying sex often enough for mutual satisfaction, no pressure on either partner to be anything other than him/herself

Good: ability to keep the spark there, someone I can trust and really open up with

Purely Ideal: not even sure—mind reader?  That would have as many drawbacks as plusses…

                                                Livelihood/Lifestyle

At Least:  together we get by without excessive stress via work that is not unethical or soul-destroying

Good: lifestyle embodies shared values of sustainability, simple & non-materialistic—time is more important than money or things

Purely Ideal: living in a green home off the grid, growing & raising some food (chickens!), time to enjoy family & friends and for individual creative pursuits and life-learning, being part of & contributing to a larger community

                                                Shared Interests

At Least: respected taste (in books, music, movies, etc); enjoy activities together

Good:  wide-ranging, interesting tastes & knowledge—shares new things, goes beyond current pop culture junk; someone outside mainstream; into nature/outdoors, appreciates diverse, multicultural perspectives

Purely Ideal: a talented musician or writer/artist whose style really jives with mine, ability to travel together, fun with stuff like camping, canoeing, dancing (Standard recommendation of a dear friend's husband) 

                                                Food Compatibility

At Least:  no need to make separate meals & likes Thai & Indian for occasional dining out

Good: health & eco consciousness with regard to food—shares values and epicurean appreciation for fine food

Purely Ideal: has mad skills in cooking, and/or has money to wine & dine me… hey, I can dream

                                                Parenting

At Least:  respectful and non-coercive with children, able to adapt to step-parent role with love & appropriate boundaries

Good: skilled with non-violent communication, finds fulfillment and spiritual growth through parenting, values attachment & letting children develop at own pace

Purely Ideal:  Someone with the knowledge & means to support the ideal life I’d like for my child—home or alternative schooling, nurturing & fun home environment

                                                Emotional Availability & Maturity

At Least: someone with integrity & stability of self and feelings; capable of fidelity to allow for trust and deeper relationship as things develop; affectionate and loving

Good: strong self-awareness & centeredness and ability to manage emotions, someone who can nurture me without being stifling or viewing me as weak—who has “my back” when I need support and vice-versa—mutually supportive & nurturing

Purely Ideal: All needs met for all parties all the time—how much more ideal can you get?