Out With the Old

The dates here make it obvious that over a year has passed since I’ve posted anything to this blog.  The treasure map in the final post marked the beginning of a challenging and often painful year full of changes.  Returning here to face that hopeful expectancy has been difficult: many of my intentions not only failed to materialize, they instead offered lessons in non-attachment.  I attribute the fact that the universe did not deliver on my requests as empirical evidence that I don’t belong in its center; my focus is better placed not on what I wish to receive but what I have to share, how open I am to loving what is—as it is—and others as they are.

Rather than finding more joy with my partner, this year brought the end of my marriage.  Within a month of the treasure map post, my husband admitted to having feelings for someone else.  By November it was clear that our relationship was ending and in January he moved out.  So crumbled the castle image I placed in that corner of the map.  A new teaching job brought some hope of an improved financial situation, but the separation left me in the same tight spot I’ve been in for some time.

A few things—all within my control—did manifest.  I started going to the local farmer’s markets last summer and my diet has become less processed & more vitality-filled.  While I’m only now getting underway with the writing I’d hoped to do, I did pull my guitar out of the closet and start playing again—a fantastic help to me during the rough patches of this past year, as I was able to work through my emotions with music.

It is extremely important to be careful what you wish for.  Spiritual growth was the centerpiece of my map, and the difficulties of the past year have indeed helped me learn to “go with the flow,” to be more present and to trust that I will be okay—that my needs will be met well enough through my own resources and with help from others (and a little luck sometimes).  Though my current life’s circumstances (impending divorce, poverty) would hardly appeal to most people, I’m in a place where I feel hope about my uncertain future and immense gratitude for all the riches I possess: my friends & family, living in a beautiful and inspiring community, nourishing and delicious food and the bright & beautiful boy who is the center of my world.